Today we went to visit Liliana's daycare. It went well. It felt brief. I guess there are only so many ways to say you will pick up my baby within .00000000001 seconds of crying. And you will sooth her before all other babies. I kid (sorta). To say I'm 100% "okay" with her going to daycare would be a lie. To say I'm 1% "okay" with her going to daycare would also be a lie. To say I've grown attached to my little girl would be the understatement of the year. Perhaps century. And I'm pretty sure she's taken a liking to her mama.
I know no one can replace me and become her mother. But perhaps that's the problem. Perhaps I want someone to be so good at what they do that they become her mother. Because no one can do as good a job as me. No one knows her like I do. No one knows what she needs sooner than I. No one can ease her crying quicker than I. No one can comfort her like I do. No one loves her as much as I. Basically no one is as good at taking care of her as HER MOTHER. You follow?
Over the past several weeks I've been wavering. Wavering between being upset to my stomach, crying, lying on her bedroom floor at night while she sleeps just to eek out as much time with her as possible to feeling emotionless at the prospect of not spending my entire day with her. Going from spending 24/7 to 14/5 and 24/2. Much of which will be spent sleeping. I've prayed that the Lord would make it possible for me to stay home with her and when that wasn't immediately available I prayed that He would make me "okay" with it. That He would comfort me. Do you KNOW how painful a prayer that was? Deep down I did NOT want to be okay with it. And yet, I knew I'd have to be.
I've heard it's not the quantity of time you spend but the quality of time. But is that just a working mother's way of making herself feel better? (I can say that because I'll be one of them). Can't you have quantity AND quality? It's not going to be easy for me. And I hope it's infinitely easier for her. In the end, I know this will benefit her. She'll socialize with other children and be challenged cognitively in ways I'm sure I could not provide (though I would try and vehemently deny not being able to).
So perhaps this is what makes a parent. Doing things that aren't what YOU want. Doing things that aren't good for YOU. But maybe (hopefully) doing things SHE wants. Doing things that are good for HER.
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Oh Rachel.... My heart goes out to you! Even after all the years that have passed, I can still remember thinking these exact same things. All we can do is have faith, while remembering that the Lord has a much bigger plans for all of us, and to do the best that we can. I can tell you that it all does work out for the best in the end. You're a wonderful Mommy! Hang in there. Hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteRach-I just sent an email to your Meredith account. I don't have a personal email for you. I just want to offer some words of support and encouragement.
ReplyDeleteRachel - I know how you are feeling and I can only say to continue to trust in the Lord and he will help you transition back and become a working mom. You will find such joy in the days when you walk into the room at daycare and she smiles and then cries if you don't pick her up right away or when she starts crawling she rushes over to greet you at the door but also will be happy to stay there when you drop her off. You will know then that she is fine but that no one is better than her Mommy. Those moments no one - not even work can take from you! Hang in there and call if you want to chat. - Jeanette
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